It’s Sunday night, almost 11:30pm EST. Usually I’m in bed by now but instead I just returned from a power walk in the quiet darkness of my neighborhood, the darkness, sorrow and pain I’m trying to quiet by sheer will power alone. It’s not working. I tried putting my Beats headphones on & listening to U2’s “End of the World”, “Bad” and “Trip Through Your Wire” as loud as the volume would go, hoping to drown out the confusion in my head from mixed messages, sadness & disappointment. That didn’t work either.
I can do this because my son is at his Dads since yesterday, the weekly shuffling back & forth between two parents that my son is handling with grace, strength & dignity well beyond his 13 years of age..on the outside. A Mom knows instinctively when her child is hurting for any reason on the inside, & last week we had an excruciatingly painful week of grief, talking and acknowledging our unease & uncertainty the coming holiday season will bring. How do we split up Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day with one child & 2 parental households? How do we not only maintain the healing & peace we’ve attained thus far through literal blood, sweat & tears..how do we push through without backsliding? How do we make it still feel like Thanksgiving & Christmas when our family is broken forever? I still don’t have answers to these questions, don’t know how to ease his pain, his mental & physical exhaustion weekly, how to not feel like I’m being split into shards of glass every time I kiss him goodbye for his time with his Dad? I try to keep myself busy during this “me” time, taking care of myself, reading or getting together with a friend. But lately, with emotions running high, the time lost when I was so sick, the never-ending chores, bills, family issues & friends in distress, I found myself getting let down again. I’m tired of that.
One thing I have been doing a lot lately while Noah’s not here is cry. I cry with pain coming from my soul. I remember how I felt as a younger child when my own parents divorced & it’s impossible to separate that pain from my present pain. I’m not crying for myself. I’m crying for my son, for the feelings he’s keeping inside with a brave face although I see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, feel it emanating from his being. There is nothing that will buckle my knees in grief at this level than knowing my son is suffering. I have yet to share the trauma of my pregnancy, how I fought to bring him into this world, how I made a choice for his life to be saved at any cost, including my own life. I knew instinctively this child was my only chance to be a Mother; I’d already lost pregnancies before him & the final one after his miraculous birth. I know my son.. anything he feels, I feel.
Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, had a great fall, who will put Humpty Dumpty back together again? Who is Humpty Dumpty? Anyone who knows loss, grief, death, divorce, battling chronic health issues, survived natural disasters & financial difficulties. We are all Humpty Dumpty. Nobody can put us back together again except ourselves..by God’s grace. This incredible gift of having a true relationship with God isn’t organized religion, like belonging to a Catholic church, Baptist Church, synagogue, any religion. This is about your own acceptance of God into your heart, body, mind & soul. A relationship that exceeds all earthly relationships. He is the One that has never let me down, hurt me, broke my heart or made me sick.
I’ve always known my greatest strength is also my biggest burden: my capacity to love. I am one who loves deeply, feels exactly what someone is feeling even if they live hundreds of miles away. I have a level of instant intuition that astounds me still, & I’ve learned to turn that into a gift by helping others. I use that gift in conjunction with my faith that no matter what, I act immediately when I feel something because I know I’m receiving a message. If I don’t listen to that message, I may miss an opportunity I’ll never get again. Life is too short to live in fear, to worry what “they” think about you, to not take that chance of opening your heart to let someone in. We are never guaranteed another day so it’s vital to not close yourself off from the world out of fear of being misunderstood, judged or hurt. We must first look within and love ourselves fully as God loves us before we’re truly able to serve others with love. The Bible says “do unto others as they would do unto you”; in other words, treat people the way you want to be treated. Why is that such a difficult concept to grasp?
I have Faith that is unshakable. I know with certainty every painful event in my life is a lesson learned. I am strong, so strong in my Faith & loving others. I’m also human. A woman who needs to feel loved, cared for as all of us do. I may be strong, but I also need to be hugged, held, comforted, appreciated. The tears wiped off my cheek..the hand held..the doorbell or telephone ringing. Love isn’t a one-way street. It’s sharing, caring, listening. It’s compromise, sacrifice at times. I’ve done all of that again & again, only to have my love rejected, taken for granted, expected to always be there & for a long time it was.
Not anymore. Not at the expense of me, my peace, my joy of being granted the gift of another day to live and walk in Love.
So my heart is hurting again right now & not solely from my current journey with Noah. It is what it is. That’s life…yet I won’t close my wounded heart. It’s wide open & always will be. I know of no other way to live because that is who I am. I will never give up no matter how much I’m hurting or what is hurting me. I’ve come too far, worked too hard to give up. I won’t.
Today I am Humpty Dumpty. And I’ll keep putting myself back together again as I always have..with Love, Hope and Faith. I’ll never stop loving. It’s who I am.