I love you

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Who Is Saying “I Love You”, to You?

Each of us in this life wants more than anything to be loved. We work for love. We strive for love. We make fools out of ourselves for love. We long to feel that love warming our hearts and souls. We strain our ears each day for just a whisper of those three glorious words: “I love you.”

What most of us don’t realize, however, is just how much God loves us. God is showing us and telling us how much He loves us everyday. When you see the sun rising over the mountains, feel the cool breeze kissing your face, and hear the sweet songs of birds blessing your ears that is God saying, “I love you.” When you see the adoring eyes of your dog looking up at you and feel the gentle brush of your cat against your hand that is God saying, “I love you.” When you hear music that uplifts your soul with joy and read words that make your heart and mind soar into the heavens that is God saying, “I love you.” When you hear the laughter of children playing and feel the warm hug of your own child against you that is God saying, “I love you.” When you have the loving support of your family and the wonderful kindness of your friends no matter what you are going through that is God saying, “I love you.” When you find your thoughts and feelings always leading you towards growth, learning, love, and joy that is God saying, “I love you.” When your life’s circumstances both good and bad help you to keep growing stronger, better, happier, and more loving each day that is God saying, “I love you.”

God is always telling you and showing you just how much He loves you. Don’t be afraid then to say, “I love you too God.” Don’t be afraid to live that love in your life either. Love God with everything you have and with everything you are. Love yourself, love your neighbor, and make this whole world your neighborhood. Always remember that God is love, that life is joy, and that we are one. And always listen for the million ways that God says, “I love you.”

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Putting Humpty Dumpty Together Again..And Again..And Again

It’s Sunday night, almost 11:30pm EST. Usually I’m in bed by now but instead I just returned from a power walk in the quiet darkness of my neighborhood, the darkness, sorrow and pain I’m trying to quiet by sheer will power alone. It’s not working. I tried putting my Beats headphones on & listening to U2’s “End of the World”, “Bad” and “Trip Through Your Wire” as loud as the volume would go, hoping to drown out the confusion in my head from mixed messages, sadness & disappointment. That didn’t work either.

I can do this because my son is at his Dads since yesterday, the weekly shuffling back & forth between two parents that my son is handling with grace, strength & dignity well beyond his 13 years of age..on the outside. A Mom knows instinctively when her child is hurting for any reason on the inside, & last week we had an excruciatingly painful week of grief, talking and acknowledging our unease & uncertainty the coming holiday season will bring. How do we split up Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day with one child & 2 parental households? How do we not only maintain the healing & peace we’ve attained thus far through literal blood, sweat & tears..how do we push through without backsliding? How do we make it still feel like Thanksgiving & Christmas when our family is broken forever? I still don’t have answers to these questions, don’t know how to ease his pain, his mental & physical exhaustion weekly, how to not feel like I’m being split into shards of glass every time I kiss him goodbye for his time with his Dad? I try to keep myself busy during this “me” time, taking care of myself, reading or getting together with a friend. But lately, with emotions running high, the time lost when I was so sick, the never-ending chores, bills, family issues & friends in distress, I found myself getting let down again. I’m tired of that.

One thing I have been doing a lot lately while Noah’s not here is cry. I cry with pain coming from my soul. I remember how I felt as a younger child when my own parents divorced & it’s impossible to separate that pain from my present pain. I’m not crying for myself. I’m crying for my son, for the feelings he’s keeping inside with a brave face although I see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, feel it emanating from his being. There is nothing that will buckle my knees in grief at this level than knowing my son is suffering. I have yet to share the trauma of my pregnancy, how I fought to bring him into this world, how I made a choice for his life to be saved at any cost, including my own life. I knew instinctively this child was my only chance to be a Mother; I’d already lost pregnancies before him & the final one after his miraculous birth. I know my son.. anything he feels, I feel.

Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, had a great fall, who will put Humpty Dumpty back together again? Who is Humpty Dumpty? Anyone who knows loss, grief, death, divorce, battling chronic health issues, survived natural disasters & financial difficulties. We are all Humpty Dumpty. Nobody can put us back together again except ourselves..by God’s grace. This incredible gift of having a true relationship with God isn’t organized religion, like belonging to a Catholic church, Baptist Church, synagogue, any religion. This is about your own acceptance of God into your heart, body, mind & soul. A relationship that exceeds all earthly relationships. He is the One that has never let me down, hurt me, broke my heart or made me sick.
Humans have.

I’ve always known my greatest strength is also my biggest burden: my capacity to love. I am one who loves deeply, feels exactly what someone is feeling even if they live hundreds of miles away. I have a level of instant intuition that astounds me still, & I’ve learned to turn that into a gift by helping others. I use that gift in conjunction with my faith that no matter what, I act immediately when I feel something because I know I’m receiving a message. If I don’t listen to that message, I may miss an opportunity I’ll never get again. Life is too short to live in fear, to worry what “they” think about you, to not take that chance of opening your heart to let someone in. We are never guaranteed another day so it’s vital to not close yourself off from the world out of fear of being misunderstood, judged or hurt. We must first look within and love ourselves fully as God loves us before we’re truly able to serve others with love. The Bible says “do unto others as they would do unto you”; in other words, treat people the way you want to be treated. Why is that such a difficult concept to grasp?

I have Faith that is unshakable. I know with certainty every painful event in my life is a lesson learned. I am strong, so strong in my Faith & loving others. I’m also human. A woman who needs to feel loved, cared for as all of us do. I may be strong, but I also need to be hugged, held, comforted, appreciated. The tears wiped off my cheek..the hand held..the doorbell or telephone ringing. Love isn’t a one-way street. It’s sharing, caring, listening. It’s compromise, sacrifice at times. I’ve done all of that again & again, only to have my love rejected, taken for granted, expected to always be there & for a long time it was.

Not anymore. Not at the expense of me, my peace, my joy of being granted the gift of another day to live and walk in Love.
So my heart is hurting again right now & not solely from my current journey with Noah. It is what it is. That’s life…yet I won’t close my wounded heart. It’s wide open & always will be. I know of no other way to live because that is who I am. I will never give up no matter how much I’m hurting or what is hurting me. I’ve come too far, worked too hard to give up. I won’t.

Today I am Humpty Dumpty. And I’ll keep putting myself back together again as I always have..with Love, Hope and Faith. I’ll never stop loving. It’s who I am.

Peace
~Jennifer~

Hello world!

Welcome to mine! I have so much to say, so much to share, it is long past due that I realize my dream of becoming a writer…my true passion. I was always writing, keeping diaries as a young girl, and continued keeping diaries or journals through junior high, high school and college. The entries became more scarce as I entered the bewildering yet exciting world called “life” and “adult” and “professional”, “accountant”…oh, the many labels we put on ourselves, and allow the world to put on ourselves as well! Why do we allow that to happen? It happens automatically as we grow older, as young children entering school learn how to socialize, interact with others outside of the safety net of their home. How we view ourselves is how we enable others to label us. I knew since I was a young child that I was different, a keen intuition, filled with hopes and dreams and I did not want to be part of any particular “crowd” or click in high school and college. I stood out physically but never was able to truly, fully connect with the gifts I had waiting inside of me..my Divine purpose for being put on this place we call Earth.

I have come full circle, have experienced monumental change, adversity and growth especially within the past 14 months. I know why I am here on Earth, what I am supposed to be doing, what my purpose is…do you know yours? The earlier in Life you can grab this, hold onto it & make it your own, the more fulfilling your life will be in every possible facet. Walk with me, learn from me, open your heart to what I have to say..if any of my words here touch just one person, help just one person, then I am accomplishing & living my destiny:  loving & helping others..all people, animals, causes, beliefs, sunrises & sunsets, the ocean, the mountains, the dew on the grass in early morning. You can change your life by changing your outlook & your attitude. You can not only survive, but THRIVE through sickness, financial distress, family problems, divorce..anything that is considered adversity.

I look forward to opening my heart to yours, to sharing the wisdom I’ve acquired and to never, ever stop learning something new each and every day. Take the ordinary & make it extraordinary. Live your life to it’s fullest..it is indeed true we are only given one life to live. Let’s make the most of, together.

Love & Light, Jennifer