It’s a common “fact” in society: women are such emotional creatures! We aren’t doctors, lawyers, engineers, any job description because we live our lives by emotion enhanced by the dreaded force of the female anatomy called hormones. Everybody agrees, men & women alike: men joke & complain about their wives to each other that they dread going home because “it’s that time of the month”, nudge nudge, wink wink, as if they have any idea what that experience is actually like, month after month until the next phase of life called peri-menopause and menopause hits, or as in my case, a hysterectomy in my mid 30’s. There are different types of hysterectomies however, & I was fortunate to keep my ovaries. Women even use their hormones as a reason for everything..as I said, it is a common “fact”, right”?
Wrong. All humans are emotional, both male & female. Society for a long time conditioned the male to the strong, silent, no tears permitted or the showing of emotion, whereas it’s expected that females cry at the drop of a hat or fly off the handle in a fit of rage. Thankfully, times have changed and parents like myself are teaching their children that feeling all of your emotions is not only normal, it’s healthy, and showing those emotions, especially tears, is not only acceptable it should in fact be encouraged, especially when raising sons.
My son, Noah, cannot stand to see me cry for any reason. He knows me so well, if something on tv is sentimental, he immediately looks at me & groans, “Oh, there she goes again!” and I then start giggling as I wipe my eyes. He is my only child, my living miracle and we are making our way together through the end of my marriage to his father, a new school year, his official entry into the world of being a teenager, puberty & the many changes we’ve been through since his father moved out. It has not been easy, it’s been hell. Challenge after challenge, constant change instead of a familiar, reassuring schedule, fear, uncertainty, anger…and the shedding of many, many tears by us both.
My marriage had been over for years but actually taking the steps to officially break up your family is not something on the top of your To-Do list, especially when you are the one who has made the decision to end the marriage; you are the one lying wide awake all night, wondering how you’re going to get your child through this process intact, how you’re going to have to dig deeper within yourself for strength you never knew existed for the sake of your child. You are the one that tells your husband of 17 years, it’s time to end this. There are millions of reasons why so many marriages fail & for this post it’s not necessary to go down that road. Separation & divorce are very emotional events that don’t resolve themselves in a week; it is a journey and the journey is a roller-coaster of emotions.
I met my husband almost 21 years ago, both of us in our mid 20’s. I was the epitome of the traditional “emotional” female because I did not know myself well enough yet, had not matured enough yet, to understand that I could actually choose to NOT live by emotion. It is not an easy adaptation because as humans, there is an emotional action to every emotional reaction..we are all emotional creatures whether we want to admit it or not. It is scientifically proven that a newborn infant thrives from being held, a brand new human being totally dependent on its caregiver to provide the single emotion that binds us all..Love. When the newborn is deprived of love, they do not thrive. I find this to be true for all humans in my personal journey thus far of my life, from every person I’ve ever met. We are born to love, to touch, hug, give & receive affection, feel happiness, joy, sadness, anger, despair. We are wired to be emotional and when our emotional needs aren’t met, we start to slowly die from the inside out; it actually affects our physical health as well as our mental & spiritual health. Children not only need to be told they are loved, they need to feel they are loved by both physical affection of hugs & kisses to seeing their parents & family members express their love for one another in the same fashion. We are the examples of life, of love, of relationships to our children by what we show them in our daily living in our homes. Children are like sponges, soaking up every word, said & unsaid, every facial expression, body language, the atmosphere within the home. If our children do not witness a positive, healthy demonstrative environment of love, they will not know how to reach their full potential of giving & receiving love in their future relationships, whether in friendships or dating. The experiences of our childhood are the foundation in which all of our future actions are based, mostly subconsciously. It is imperative that what you present to the world is exactly what you live behind closed doors in your home.
It took me a long time to realize I did have a choice in how I wanted to really live my life. I wanted to stop living by emotion yet fully feel every emotion. I accomplished this by making a conscious choice to give myself a new “me”, and my faith as a Christian was & still is my saving grace to not have my entire life ruled by emotion. I can have a day where everything is going wrong: the alarm clock didn’t go off, car won’t start, forgot to put the garbage out..and instead of getting agitated and angry, I take a deep breath, look up to the sky, and let it go.There is not a single day that passes that I don’t laugh or smile at least one time no matter how I’m feeling; that’s just how I am. I can have a day where I am completely, entirely “emotional”, where out of the blue, a memory, a song, a smell, hits me like a freight train to the solar plexus, and I can do absolutely nothing BUT cry. It’s actually healing, cleansing to cry all of the toxic emotions you’ve been holding in for whatever reason.
I have achieved a level of inner peace, contentment & joy that I never thought possible; of pure happiness, hope, excitement every single day. It is truly an incredible way to live! Unfortunately, since I am human, and based on my life experiences & personality, feel things on a deeply personal level. Having this awareness of myself has brought great clarity in dealing with others, because how I feel listening to a particular song may not touch you on the same level; everyone is wired uniquely within themselves on how they feel, act & treat people. Feelings are very personal; nobody else can have your feelings for you & nobody else’s reasoning can make your feelings unreal for you. Feelings have a mind all their own; they can be pushed down or bottled up, but not turned off; at some point, those feeling will indeed emerge, and I’ve found that the best way to handle this is to strive to maintain my personal peace. If my peace begins to feel ragged, I know the choices I’m making are wrong & that I must take action immediately to rid my life of the person or situation that is stealing my peace. Feelings & emotions don’t come packaged in labeled boxes, they intertwine, shift, grow & recede, sometimes all at once.
These past few days I’ve run the gamut from experiencing complete & utter beauty that fully touched every inch of my soul, only to be replaced by sadness, loneliness, remembering the trauma & recovery of my own full stroke from my recent prayer request for my friends’ Dad, missing Noah, thinking about the upcoming holidays, our first where the time has to be divided, which I dread completely and although I did not WANT to cry, tried so hard NOT to cry, I HAD to cry. I made it through most of the weekend without crying & actually had a great weekend..there’s that faith & inner peace coming into play, that choice not to live by emotion. I was determined to fully enjoy my time this past weekend and I did…until Sunday night.
I couldn’t sleep because I was in both physical & emotional pain; remember, our minds & emotions are connected to our bodies and one affects the other & the effects of my recent hospitalization still haven’t completely healed. I was tired from a busy weekend, but once the lights are turned off for sleep, everything that I was holding in had me in turmoil the entire night. I couldn’t even write, that’s how upset I was, & I didn’t yet know what the next day had in store for me. I gave up on sleep, and went about my Monday as usual but I knew that if just one more thing occurred, if I started crying, I wouldn’t be able to stop..and that is exactly what happened.
I made it through the appointed meeting that was the final straw for me intact on the outside, wrecked on the inside. I got in my car & cried the entire way home. I walked around my house, cleaning, doing dishes, laundry, taking a shower, crying the entire time. I went to bed, said my prayers and cried some more. I was alone; I didn’t have to worry that Noah would see me crying this hard, and I used the opportunity to cry it all out. Finally, I slept. I have my peace back wholly intact. I feel a bit bruised, raw, vulnerable, yet I feel better. My faith never wavers because God has never, ever let me down and I know He never will. I may feel lonely at times but I am never truly alone because God is always with me as He is with all of you. The miracles, the blessings, the sheer beauty of events have been increasingly abundant every day that passes. This motivates me to continue living my truth. We all have Emotions in Motion..when you allow yourself to really feel them all, it’s actually a humbling reminder of how precious every second is in our lives. It is even better when you share them, and I thank you for letting me share mine with you.