I love you

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Who Is Saying “I Love You”, to You?

Each of us in this life wants more than anything to be loved. We work for love. We strive for love. We make fools out of ourselves for love. We long to feel that love warming our hearts and souls. We strain our ears each day for just a whisper of those three glorious words: “I love you.”

What most of us don’t realize, however, is just how much God loves us. God is showing us and telling us how much He loves us everyday. When you see the sun rising over the mountains, feel the cool breeze kissing your face, and hear the sweet songs of birds blessing your ears that is God saying, “I love you.” When you see the adoring eyes of your dog looking up at you and feel the gentle brush of your cat against your hand that is God saying, “I love you.” When you hear music that uplifts your soul with joy and read words that make your heart and mind soar into the heavens that is God saying, “I love you.” When you hear the laughter of children playing and feel the warm hug of your own child against you that is God saying, “I love you.” When you have the loving support of your family and the wonderful kindness of your friends no matter what you are going through that is God saying, “I love you.” When you find your thoughts and feelings always leading you towards growth, learning, love, and joy that is God saying, “I love you.” When your life’s circumstances both good and bad help you to keep growing stronger, better, happier, and more loving each day that is God saying, “I love you.”

God is always telling you and showing you just how much He loves you. Don’t be afraid then to say, “I love you too God.” Don’t be afraid to live that love in your life either. Love God with everything you have and with everything you are. Love yourself, love your neighbor, and make this whole world your neighborhood. Always remember that God is love, that life is joy, and that we are one. And always listen for the million ways that God says, “I love you.”

The Marching of Time in March

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Well Hello everyone, it’s been ages since my last post and SO MUCH has happened during my absence, it would take forever trying to catch you up!

I’m still in a lupus “flare” mode, but adding a RA (rheumatoid arthritis) flare-up to the mix, with the icing on the cake (or salt into the gaping, bloody wound) is tearing the meniscus in my left knee weeks ago; oh what my medical insurance company has put me through would take many long posts & increase my now “new” high BP that is no longer controlled by the mix of blood pressure meds I’ve been on for 3 years..back to the guessing game of “Let’s Try This Prescription!” to lower my blood pressure by simultaneously increasing my co-pay for the new meds…I’ll take Pill #4 for $100 Alex! (Pretending to be a contestant on “Jeopardy”).

I can skip the long, mind-numbing details that will surely exhaust you, the reader, of this message of the NON-health care I’ve not been receiving by my insurance provider not because that story doesn’t BEG to be told, but to spare my arms the physical pain of typing this now..every morning I wake up wondering which body part (s ) are going to actually work or not, my left knee a constant source of severe pain & swelling, the injury causing my left hip to hurt as well since the knee buckles just from walking normally around my house.. I’ve been seeing my carpet from a new perspective, face first from falling, but am not a candidate for surgery although my MRI shows a significant tear & the entire knee is unstable…let’s leave it at that for now.

I look at the calendar in amazement..it’s surreal at best, realizing the blur of time marching on as it always does and here it is, the month of March & marching away time so swiftly. I’m fatigued beyond measure, hurt all over with my “normal” daily joint & muscular pain, but the knee keeps me up at night& I’m unable to sleep more than a few hours at a time. I think about all the basic things I need to do on a daily basis to be Mom & run this household, but am not supposed to be doing anything but stay off the knee.

I had no problem doing just that when I was in a straight-leg immobilizer, but as a single Mom, how am I supposed to be..Mom? Do laundry, go grocery shopping, cook, clean, chauffeur, keep up with a teen son, a dog?

I couldn’t. I had to face reality, admit I needed help, and after my dear friend Judy, also a single Mom with Lupus went out of her way with her own knee problems, to get here to take care of both my son, our dog Jack & myself, I had to send my son to his Dads’ for 16 days. I was completely incapacitated, on crutches, on pain medicine that only makes the pain tolerable and I could not put the burden of yet another medical crisis on my son. He’s been through enough in his 13 years, I will do whatever I have to do to spare him, no matter what the personal cost is to me. His Father & I have worked hard to be co-parents, and we changed the custody agreement to 50/50; one week with Dad, following week with me, an open-door of welcome anytime to the parent not having our son that week. Finally, a solution that works for all of us, but mostly for Noah, who really needed his Dad, and I get the rest I need under close guard of our new family member, a dachshund named Jack we rescued & I have completely spoiled rotten!

This past week I became Mom again;. I still can’t believe my son is now taller than me, has changed so much it’s difficult to wrap my head around. It was a rough week of adjusting to each other again, but I cherished every second. Last night, our final night for this week, we finally got back to our usual bedtime routine of watching hysterical videos he finds to share with me on YouTube from his iPod, laughing until our bellies hurt.

We stayed up late into the night, sleepiness finally overtaking us, me breathing in his freshly washed hair, my head resting on his shoulder, where not so long ago I was holding him in my arms, rocking him to sleep with his “night night” bottle, his chubby baby hand wrapped tightly around my pinky finger, big blue eyes staring into mine as I watched his beautiful face finally relax, long eyelashes fluttering closed, my heart a massive lump in my throat, bursting with love for this precious child I fought so hard to bring into this world, so grateful to be his Momma.

Last night I was filled to bursting with that very same love & gratitude as I gently kissed my now teenage son on his forehead, tucked him in with his favorite comforter that is now too small for his long frame, watching him drift off to sleep again. My heart was aching, knowing he’ll change again this week away from me, tears filling my eyes at the realization of just how quickly he’s growing up…but he’ll always be my baby. My one and only baby that’s growing into an amazing young adult.

I quietly left his room, making my way slowly to mine, when I heard a groggy voice say, “I love you, Mom”.

I love you too, my son, to the moon and back, always…
Time marches on.

~Jennifer~