Living with Lupus


image

I can’t remember the last time I felt this sick for this long. I hate to say I’m suffering because I am more than aware there are so many people that are in much worse conditions than I.

It’s difficult for me to write about Lupus because I know how lucky I am to be given the gift of another day when I shouldn’t be here to write this. I know, as do my family & loved ones, how many times I’ve cheated death. That in itself is still impossible for me to put in writing, my experiences I not only survived when all Doctors believed I wouldn’t, but each individual near-death experience I remember in vivid detail. I think about those times, the emergency surgeries, being on life support hearing all medical personnel either screaming “We’re losing her” as they worked feverishly to bring me back from complete cardiac arrest or “It’s time to get her family here ASAP because she won’t make it through the night”. I could still HEAR, but nobody could hear ME screaming in my head, “NO! I’M NOT DYING, STOP SAYING THAT”. Those are memories I’ll never forget unlike the thousands of wonderful, loving memories erased from my brain in minutes from my stroke.

I know that God is working in my life especially now. I know the memories I wish I had are gone for a reason I’ll never understand but have faith in not knowing. I know I remember in stark, minute detail every second of every life-threatening situation for specific reasons: to be thankful for every second of every day I’m alive regardless of how I feel; to dedicate myself to being the best Mom I can be; to always reach out to help those in need; to challenge myself to not give up or give in. Living with Lupus isn’t really living when a flare is prolonged and complicated.

This week & last blend together in a blur of pain, no appetite, forcing fluids to keep my kidneys flushed, my hair falling out in clumps, the sheer exhaustion of simply brushing my teeth to name but a few. It’s very easy to get depressed, angry, frightened because you’re helpless. You have to ride it out for however long it lasts. Stay the course, keep your faith that the suffering isn’t for naught.. your attitude is more than half the battle. I hold onto my faith for dear life & will never give up. Living with Lupus is hard, so very hard. I don’t feel sorry for myself & don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I’m waiting this out with determination & faith. Isn’t that how we all should be living? I believe so! Peace, Jennifer

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Living with Lupus

  1. Sweetheart, it seems to me God must look upon you the way He looked upon Job! He is pleased with your trust in Him no matter what you are experiencing. That cannot be easy!

    Job 13:15 21st Century King James Version (KJ21)

    15 Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him; but I will argue mine own ways before Him.

    I love you Jen, xo

    If we meet and you forget me, you have lost nothing; but if you meet Jesus Christ and forget Him you have lost everything.

    • I certainly feel like Job again & I’d felt that way for years so long ago, this is my reminder to hold onto my faith no matter how long it takes, & it’s been extremely difficult indeed. But I’m holding steadfast, made necessary changes & waiting this out in Jesus’ name. I love you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s