I haven’t had the strength to write a new post lately, and I’m sick as a dog writing this now, but I’m AWAKE, ALIVE to write it, regardless of having the exact same virus I just had a few weeks ago! That time the virus landed me in the hospital, by myself in this town that literally became my Home just last week. I have so much to be thankful for, the enormity of the richness I have in my life struck last night, and all I could do was look up at the stars & whisper, “Thank You God, for seeing me through”. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through all the incredible hits that seemed endless last week but I held onto my Faith that everything that happened was to teach me a lesson; to remind me of what is important & what’s not; to show me that as long as I continue to live my truth by Faith, I will survive each hit AND come out the other side even stronger yet.
That’s exactly what happened. I’m used to helping others in need. I am not comfortable accepting help for myself because I’ve had to rely on myself just to survive since I was a little girl. Last weekend was the beginning of a nightmare that touched every possible area of my life, set off an avalanche of epic proportions I’d never battled before, & I’ve batted.. and won..so many various wars of Life thus far, I thought myself more than capable of handling anything coming my way.
I was wrong. I was so wrong, I posted something on my Facebook I’ve never posted publicly before: I’m in trouble, my son is in trouble and we need help. I’ve never admitted publicly my fears, my need for prayers because that would show my vulnerability. I’m strong, not vulnerable! Well, my super power cape had been torn off my shoulders leaving me completely exposed. I was shaken to my core on Monday and again, had no idea all that was awaiting to attack me the rest of the week. I received 5 phone calls on Monday from my circle of friends. The amount of people that responded to my request, writing beautiful, uplifting, supportive words of comfort, astounded me.
Every dawn brought another test to add to my overburdened, heavy soul yet was countered by an immediate & unexpected blessing. I received the help I needed to resolve the original problem, but at great personal cost to me..the loss of the presence of a friend I adored & that didn’t become clear to me until the smoke cleared this past weekend. I’ll learn from that loss. I’ve been having car troubles & worrying every morning it wouldn’t start. It finally broke down completely last week, & I’m dedicating an entire blog entry to that experience alone…it was that powerful, that life-affirming. My car runs & the heat even works!
The weather is cold, and i was worried about finding a way to pay for a winter coat, boots & clothes for my son..his needs come before mine always, I can wear a sweatshirt as long as he’s warm. My doorbell rings the next afternoon, a dear friend and her daughter with bags overflowing with coats for Noah as well as for me; boots & sneakers for my teen that is growing so fast I can’t keep up with his sizes! A miracle. I was helped by friends, family & total strangers that treated me like family. I was held as I cried tears that wouldn’t stop falling no matter how hard I fought to keep them in. The loving arms of my girlfriend who has lived through my journey of divorce with children, no words spoken, no need. Every test, I passed. Every trial, I survived. But I didn’t do it alone and now know the beauty of receiving help..it’s so humbling, so powerful, inspires me to pay it forward on a broader scale. Not quite yet, though; now it is time to pause. Reflect on every moment since last Thanksgiving, Chris & I already knowing our marriage was over but decided to remain a family for one last holiday season for our son. How I’m sometimes unrecognizable to myself in the mirror, I’ve grown, changed that much in a very short period of time. I still am and always will be, for one can only grow by risk, mistakes & change, not stagnation or settling. I am deeply thankful and wish you & your loved ones a Happy Thanksgiving! Think about all you have to be thankful for and be grateful you are here to be thankful.. that’s the biggest Blessing of all. With love & gratitude, ~Jennifer~